five little thoughts
by justanotherjaya
Summary: (Harumi oneshot for Ninjago Angst Week) Five little thoughts occurred to me in those last few moments. Five bulletpoints like a death sentence, putting an end to my life. Two hurt me. Two strengthened me. And one haunts me to this day.


**Hello and welcome to Ninjago Angst Week *jazz hands* Here's a twoshot of everyone's favorite demon child, Harumi!**

* * *

Five little thoughts occurred to me in those last few moments. Five bulletpoints like a death sentence, putting an end to my life. Two hurt me. Two strengthened me. And one haunts me to this day.

...

Number one.

I stared into the face of my murderer, trembling like a child. Master Garmadon had made Colossus to be a helper in protecting Ninjago and hunting the ninja, but I didn't realize until too late that it was truly made to destroy. So I did what every great stereotypical villain does: I ran.

I ran from Garmadon, from the path I'd been building for myself a whole lifetime. From the memories and the hurt and the death I knew was inevitable.

Everyone fears the Departed Realm, not because of what it might hold but because of what has been drilled in their heads since youth. Death equals separation. No one wants to leave the other behind, or vice versa. Loneliness, in my mind, was worse than death itself. For that reason, I shouldn't have feared death. But I did.

Nobody loves me. Nobody's left to care, I thought, stumbling back. There was some secret hope in my heart that Lord Garmadon cared, but I wasn't his daughter. I was a stupid little girl who opened the biggest can of snakes in the sixteen realms.

And I was going to die because of it.

...

Number two.

The Colossus roared into the sandstorm sky, the glowing purple holes where his eyes should have been blazing with fire. It seemed oblivious to the damage it was causing. I could feel tremors with every vehement step it took, every crater it pounded into the ground in the roads I remember from my childhood.

I screamed like a child, not knowing what to do and not caring who saw me. I wanted my mother and father, Hutchins, even Lloyd to come sweep me up in his arms and whisper comforting words in my ear. Funny how quickly my bad-girl charade dried up and withered in the face of death.

I deserve this, I thought, squeezing my eyes shut. Five tears leaked out. I counted each salty drop. I was too narrowminded to see the truth, and it earned me every ounce of this pain.

...

Number three.

From that moment on, I knew I was done for. I opened my eyes to another tremor from Colossus. This time, the shaking was enough to throw me off balance. I took two steps toward the edge, compelled to take one last look at Ninjago City. This would be my last punishment: a grand panorama of the city I used to love. I had wounded every single person within these boarders, taken their normal lives and thrown them out the window in the name of revenge. I was a sick creature, a sad excuse for a princess.

I wonder if the family I saved is okay.

The thought hit me out of nowhere, smacked me out of my pity party. In my attempt at escaping the building, I'd run into a family much like my own, trying to push their little boy into a crowded elevator. Just like my parents, they were begging their neighbors to take their child, but, in an odd surge of courage, I pulled them to the emergency exit stairs.

It wasn't like I was thinking of being heroic. I didn't know these people, and, frankly, I didn't care to. But in this boy I saw myself. Scared, confused, desperate for the people who would love him. I knew exactly how much the pain would have eaten him up, swapped his happy life for a broken heart.

However it happened, it comforted me to know that even with every awful crime I'd committed, there was still one thing I had changed for the better.

Maybe that was enough.

...

Number four.

The complex was coming down.

Cracks jumped through the ground, shuttering with every new fracture. I'd never weighed more than a hundred pounds, but even my light steps fissured the brittle ground. I was losing my breath in my terror, staring past the Colossus and at the skyline to regain my composure. To mild surprise, I caught sight of a green figure in the distance. I knew it was Lloyd by the form of the limp Master of Amber in his arms. But his gaze seemed to be focused on me.

Of course it was the Green Ninja that had to watch me in my last moments. I'd lead him on, broken his heart, killed people he loved, and reincarnated his father to murder him. He'd suffered by my hand time and time again; he was warranted more than anyone to watch me die. Yet, he looked at me like I was innocent. I could almost feel the warm green eyes uttering apologies. It made me sick.

I always held an ironic admiration for him, a borderline jealousy I never cared to admit to myself. He was so perfect, such a great guy even with his tragic childhood. He made something of himself despite the pressure of being the Green Ninja, the ninjas' leader, and the First Spinjitzu Master's grandson piled on top of him. I guess I was envious of the way he looked so happy through all of it while I was still suffering. Looking back, I think he was wearing a mask, same as me.

He really did love me. I had feelings for him sometimes, too, but nothing was stronger than Lloyd's devotion to the people he loved. Even when I showed him my true form, he still held hope. One thing about the ninja – they never gave up, even in the worst of the worst.

What if he still has hope in me?

I hoped he could see the final disguise fall out of my hands, leaving me a regular girl with nothing left to lose. Perhaps he would never forgive me – I wouldn't blame him if he didn't – but he might find it in his loyal heart to recognize my surrender.

The game of masks was finished.

...

Number five.

My eyes didn't wander from his when the building disintegrated under my feet.

I was plunging, freefalling to a place with so much debris in the air that I couldn't tell how much further I could fall. My mind was reeling, there were so many thoughts. One screamed at me so much, I can hear it now.

Where did I go wrong?

And then, all the thoughts ceased. I'd hit the ground.

I died.


End file.
